How to get over an ex (job)

From the fling to the long-term love...

Last week, I checked out an ex on social media. The one I dumped because it wasn’t working out. The one that made me feel quite rubbish. The one that never respected me. I had the spike of smugness that I’d got away from a bad relationship, I’d moved on and felt positive about the split.

A few days later, I spotted another ex out and about, by a tube station in London. The one that I loved with all my heart, who let me go, kindly, but let me go all the same. I felt the pang of regret, of sadness that it had ended when I thought things were still going so well. A sense of loss.

And sometimes, now and then, I sit and think about exes from a long time ago, wondering how things are with them now, nostalgically looking back with a smile, and no hard feelings.

Not men, though, but all the ex-jobs I’ve had, bringing up so many feelings. Do you do the same? You’re not alone if you do!

I don’t think we ever truly get over an ex job, we learn to live with what happened, just like with a relationship.

Even when we’ve done the dumping, glorious and victorious in our ‘can I have a chat’ moment with our manager, there is still a whole load of feelings.

Sometimes I look at a job ex so I can feel better about where I’m at and who I’m with now. We’ve all been there, right? Looking to reassure ourselves we did the right thing and to feel smug about moving on. Sometimes it’s totally ok, the feelings are under control. It’s strange when I go to look at the ex - or one of their friends (AKA a former colleague). Sometimes it’s an itch I just can’t resist scratching, even though I know I won’t feel good about it later.

But at the time, there is the thrill of seeing what’s going on, and potentially even knowing they’ll see that I’ve looked.

Freelance exes

As a freelancer, it might not be about a job, but a one-off client, or perhaps a contract that you choose to walk away from. I’ve been there too - saying ‘this isn’t for me, and, actually, your terms of no notice work quite well thanks!’ but then still looking at their LinkedIn or Instagram.

(Disclaimer, if you’re quitting anything as a freelancer, be sure to do the sums first and check payments, outstanding invoices and so on).

“If only I’d said…”

Just like when an ex might pop into my mind or timeline, I also play ‘what I could have said’ which is a classic ex scenario. Replaying the meetings that I would change, or saying things to different people at the company between the quit or redundancy moment and those awkward leaving drinks.

I play ‘what I should have written on teams’, just like writing and deleting a message to an actual ex.

Why am I sharing this? Well, because I want you to know if you also look at ex jobs, ex colleagues, ex companies, for any reason, you’re not alone!

But…

Is it helpful, though? Looking back like this?

I know sometimes we can’t help but be triggered - like seeing a newspaper I worked for, that’s something I can’t control. It can be painful, as we look more, scroll more, bring up feelings we had buried or dealt with. It can be a challenge to get back into the present when we’ve deliberately shoved our brains into the past.

But we can control who we see. We can un-connect or unfollow people from our past jobs if we want to. We can unsubscribe to the newsletters that the company sends out if they do so. We can choose whether we interact with their website.

We can try our best not to look if it is an ex that we know might bring up unhelpful feelings. And if we do look, and know it’s damaging our ‘now’ we can at least say ‘I’ll try not to do that again’.

It’s not easy getting over an ex job. In fact, I think for many people it’s an unachievable goal. There will always be some feelings, good or bad. Some regrets, some ‘if onlys’. There might be a feeling you just can’t shake that you wish you’d never met them at all.

But we learn from each one - it’s all part of the career journey.

Jenny x

Don’t forget to come say hi on Instagram for daily reels about careers coaching and often my dogs, too

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